Bicycle de-evolution

It’s been a while and you might be wondering if I traded in my bike for a Hummer and opted for employment in the fracking industry. Not so, my friends! I ride daily and remain as disillusioned as ever about the world’s obsession with motor vehicles and the awful state of biking in the USA. If anything I’ve reached a state of Zen-like depression and acceptance. However, with the turning of Spring I’ve found a new wellspring of energy to poop on America’s “bike culture.”

Opposable thumbs and abnormally large ape brains have been a massive bonus for humankind. With these inherent advantages we’ve been able to develop written and verbal language, religion, science, agriculture, and the PS4. One of our earlier and most practical innovations was domesticating “beasts of burden.” Why haul all of that firewood, dirt, or wheat on your back when you can use a horse, ox, or Carthaginian?

Unfortunately this basic technological advancement has been completely lost on most American “commuter” cyclists. Instead of using their bike to carry gear, these dolts use a fucking backpack, or even worse, a “messenger bag” which is a backpack that doesn’t stay on your back very well. This is the equivalent of a horse-mounted cowboy who chooses to wear his camping gear in a backpack while he manages his heard. I “photo shopped” an example of what this might look like for illustrative purposes because no such picture actually exists in the real world. Cowboys were apparently smarter than cyclists because they put their camping gear on the horse.

cowboy with backpack

“If only I could get this pack in carbon fiber I’d really improve my mule whacking times.”

Since you are reading this blog you already know that real commuters have big racks…to carry their bags on (get your mind out of the gutter). Your bike is a beast of burden…it carries your fat ass around so why not let it carry your PBR and Vagisil too? When asking the pro-backpack lobby why they are so averse to racks and baskets, there are only two answers. The first is that they have too many bikes and don’t want to fit racks on all of them because they ride different bikes at different times. The other reason is that “backpacks” look “cool” and racks and baskets look “lame.”

Be the horse, people. Be the horse.

One response to “Bicycle de-evolution

  1. A long absence from Blog writing leaves your “About” profile a bit outdated! Great thoughts though…the sarcasm gene is alive and well in the next generation of Salyards!

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